[ And they're not just dependent on the cloak or the portals. Now that no one's bleeding or having their sense of self dribbling out through their ears, and it's safer to operate the spells (parameters, sometimes it does all come down to parameters, just like the magic she's used to), Stephen stands up and sets his hand on her shoulder. He doesn't need the physical contact, but it's mostly just to steady her. Because he concentrates, and then without even a visible gesture, it's like he tugs the universe just a few inches to the left —
The Sanctum simply rearranges itself around them in a small gust of displaced air, and instead of sitting on the edge of the library table, Julia's suddenly sitting on the soft edge of her bed instead. Familiar bedspread made and tucked in at the corners, the room a little musty from long inattention, but otherwise looking exactly as she left it (and still, as ever, those trees in the wallpaper). Stephen's standing beside her bed now, and his hand is still braced against her shoulder so she doesn't just wobble and fall over.
He'd been more brusque and inconsiderate when doing the same thing with the Asgardians' visit, like yanking the rug out from under Thor and just letting the god reel and trip over himself into bookcases and down the stairs — Stephen can be spiteful at times, it's a character flaw — but he tried to make the transition easier for Julia. It's a little disorienting, having the entire world simply shuffle itself around you and finding yourself in a new location between heartbeats. ]
[ It is disorienting, but mainly for the fact that she hadn't initiated the shift herself. For the last few weeks, she'd been able to transport herself and others in the blink of an eye, moving much like a Traveler but with infinitely better control because she'd been able to see where she was going before she arrived. She'd been able to see everything, she'd been connected to everything...
She's not connected to anything anymore. Julia is a tiny speck on a rock floating in space once more, her ability to be more and do more torn away by her own hand. The universe had been at her fingertips and she'd given it up of her own free will. ]
Showoff.
[ She doesn't regret her decision — how could she? Even with the Library taking control of the Wellspring, magic is back in the world and the power imbalance isn't an impossible problem to solve. But there's still sadness in her voice where she intended gently jibing humor, and she can feel her throat tightening with emotion. ]
I'm sorry.
[ What is she apologizing for? Not being strong enough to take her fate without tears? Because there they are, blurring her vision and burning her skin as they slip down her cheeks. For placing her pain upon him again, the way she'd done months ago? Because she reaches up to grasp his hand on her shoulder, taking away his easy escape route in her silent request for his continued presence. Or is she apologizing to herself for all she could have been and now never will be?
[ While she reaches for his hand, he leans in with the other one and carefully swipes the tears from her cheeks with curled knuckles. Brushing them from her skin with a tender touch that perhaps not everyone might've expected from the aloof doctor. ]
Don't apologise.
[ Stephen doesn't even know what she's apologising for, but he delivers the command decisively anyway, granting her a direction. He takes a guess at what might lie behind her apologies, and manages to land on at least one of the reasons: ]
Truly, I've brought far worse things chasing my heels to this building's doorstep. Believe me. If you thought that spider-demon was a problem...
[ He's trying to cheer Julia up with that levity, that downplaying of the Library potentially nipping at her heels, but his voice softens and turns serious again a moment later. And he lets go of her hand, but he exchanges it for sinking to the mattress himself, perching on it beside her, shoulder-to-shoulder. ]
[ His knuckles against her cheek feel almost like a blessing, some form of grace being bestowed upon her to soothe her weary soul. It gives her the strength, along with his order, to pull herself out of the hole before she can spiral too deep.
She'll have to ask him for some of those stories later, maybe when she's headed toward another dive into self-pity and needs a good distraction. He can be pretty good at that when he puts his mind to it. ]
We did it. [ She looks at his knees beside hers, feeling too tired to turn to look at him properly. ] It took a while, and it didn't happen like we'd planned, but we did it. Magic's back.
[ Funny, she doesn't sound happy about it. Magic being back is a good thing, she'd done this because she'd believed that with her entire being, and yet... The darkest part of her has to wonder if it was worth the cost. ]
[ And likely just as expected, Stephen sounds puzzled. This was everything she'd been working towards for so long; it was the culmination of what she'd been fighting and studying and striving for, and yet she doesn't sound anywhere near as triumphant or happy about it as he expected. His question is slow, prompting: ]
So you succeeded? It was a victory?
[ But even as he says it, he immediately knows that there's something he doesn't know yet. Some wrinkle in the plan, some catch in how it played out. Be careful what you wish for, he thinks. He'd seen it over and over in his own life: success, but at what cost. ]
Seven keys unlocked the backdoor to magic. Prometheus created them because he knew one day it would be needed, but it took all his divine power to do it. The quest was to find the keys and we did it. We were so close, and then—
[ Q's pain in the face of what Alice had done still reverberates through her, the memory ingrained in her soul. His anguish had called to her with such strength it had been impossible to ignore. Iris had told her to let go of her connections but that was the one thing Julia was incapable of doing. She sighs heavily and lifts a hand to wearily rub at her eyes. ]
The keys were destroyed by someone who thought she was doing the right thing, and the only way to remake them was with the power of a god.
[ There are specks of glitter on her fingertips as her hand falls to her lap and she realizes how ridiculous she must look. Like she'd gone somewhere in costume, a lowly hedge witch pretending at being a goddess. ]
[ If Julia were still in possession of her full godly powers, Stephen would have been able to pick up on it. Like when his general monitoring had picked up on Thor and Loki's arrival on Earth, all the magical sensors clamouring and wailing at the weight of the gods' presence, so he'd been able to reach out and contact them and bring them to 177A Bleecker Street. But now, with Julia — the specks of glitter, that low radiant light when he'd peered into her aura, like a campfire which had been violently doused with water, nothing but smouldering embers left behind — he can't fully put his finger on what's different. He hadn't seen her in her complete radiance, and now, diminished, her signature is back to regular mortality. Similar to what they'd worked with during her whole tenure at the Sanctum, when she'd been a magician with only that little golden spark left behind, that touch of godliness... and now there isn't even that. ]
You didn't have another run-in with Our Lady of the Underground, did you? Or her— son?
[ Julia huffs something that might have been a laugh in another life, tipping her head back to look up at the ceiling. It's not a particularly interesting view. ]
Yeah, actually, but not at the end. It was...
[ Where is she supposed to start? In all the months since she'd left, so much has happened, all of it messy and intertwined with the quest, a destiny she'd been heading toward ever since Jane Chatwin decided she would be the one thing altered in this timeline. By keeping her from Brakebills, everything changed. ]
The reason I could do magic was because OLU gave me his spark. She gave me the seed of his power to grow and I did. I saved fairies from slavery. I healed Dean Fogg's eyes. I restored the forest and grew crops for starving farmers.
[ It feels like an ax swinging through the air as she turns to look at Stephen, a sense of finality in the room that she can almost reach out and touch. Once she says it out loud, it will be undeniably real. ]
He's a shell now, living in a shitty apartment and delivering pizzas. He's powerless but he's still a god. I wonder if I'm like that now. If I'll have to live like this forever or—
[ It's a very serious situation, he is trying to take this seriously, but Stephen Strange can't help that baffled lilt to his voice. Her description of her activities, which sounds very much like performing miracles and answering prayers. Still a god. Wonder if I'm like that now. Live like this.
He resists the urge to just dig into her aura again and go rifling for information, searching for that divine spark, when he can just be a normal person and ask her. ]
I mean, just for absolute crystal-clarity. To be sure we're using the same vocabulary here. You became a full-fledged goddess? You're a goddess now? An actual, real-life goddess?
[ He doesn't say anything about her appearance: the smeared mascara, the spilled glitter, the general look of Julia having stumbled into the Sanctum from an all-nighter masquerade party, rumpled and wrung-out and tired. But if she says it right-out, then he'll believe her. ]
[ It sounds crazy when it puts it like that, but crazy is what they do, isn't it? They live in a universe with magic and aliens, time travel and fictional worlds they can visit. All of it is absolutely bonkers but that doesn't make it any less real. So she nods with grave seriousness. ]
Yes. At least, I was. I don't know what I am now. [ She looks down at their knees again, the joy and excitement over being a goddess now long gone. ] They called me Our Lady of the Tree, which was very formal but... I was going to create new worlds. I was going to be better than the others, do what gods are supposed to and help people.
[ And she did. She did help people, and she's going to continue helping them. She's just... not sure how yet. ]
[ Compared to the way Julia had rattled off her life story to him, once upon a time, this retelling is more scattershot and halting, the details coming wrenched out of her in meandering detours.
But Stephen's smart, and he can connect the dots. The trailing gaps she hasn't said aloud but where the connotations and the implications still sit, weighty with significance. And he draws that straight line from A to B to C, around what Julia is both saying and isn't saying, and he inhales a breath. ]
You said it took all of Prometheus' divine power to create the keys, and that remaking them took the power of a god.
[ If she weren't exhausted and didn't feel like someone had scraped magic out of her with a rusty spoon, she might be a good deal more coherent. But after the last few hours ago, she's lucky she can string together two sentences at all, so it's a good thing he's a very smart man with skill in connecting dots. ]
Yep. [ With a little pop on the p. ] I horcruxed myself to bring back magic. [ And there's a tiny hint of humor in there, though it's tinged with unshed tears. ] I had to. It was the only way.
[ Holding up her hands in front of her, she looks at her palms, her fingertips, and the bits of glitter on her left hand that represent the life she can no longer have. Her arms tremble slightly with the effort of holding them up, her body pushed nearly to its breaking point. She'll be okay, she knows she'll get through this, but how much more will it cost her? ]
And that, suddenly, explains so much of what he'd seen in Julia's skull: that burned-out landscape, all the connections severed, the hot metal of the keys, the sense of seeing an empty hillside after a wildfire's passed through. Her magic scoured out of her, gone up in flames to power something greater than herself. What she sacrificed to accomplish bringing the Wellspring back for everyone else, no matter what it cost her— ]
Hey.
[ As Julia holds up her trembling hands (another thing he knows so well), Stephen reaches out and catches her left hand with that dusting of gold. He cups her palm between both of his, interlacing his own fingers through hers. Yet another echo and a mirror of what she'd done for him, what now feels like a lifetime ago; and for this moment he shoves all of his self-consciousness about his hands aside, the ugliness of those scars, the bent and crooked angles. Instead, he offers that solid touch, that physical connection. ]
Here. You're still connected here.
[ He considers just fishing his personal sling ring out of his pocket and dropping it into her palm, but she's so worn-out that the magic probably wouldn't work anyway and then the Learning Moment™ would wind up being even more disheartening. So, that'll be for another day. Instead, he fishes around for the right words. ]
Trees grow back after wildfires. And the fires are actually good for the environment— they clear out dead material, the decay, and it helps bring nutrients back to the soil faster. Some pine tree seeds need to be melted by fire in order to be released. [ Why does he know so much goddamn trivia about ecology? — right, his photographic memory, his mind like a steel trap. ] Okay, this has run away with me, you'll have to bear with my stupid extended metaphor, but: things grow back. Nerves can re-grow. You've just suffered some quite literal burnout. Give it time. We'll fix this too.
[ Sometimes Strange's arrogance and self-assurance — his innate assumption that he knows the answer — can be very irritating. Other times, that authority is reassuring; it's a solid foundation you could build a wall on.
He's hoping this time, it's more like the latter. ]
[ He takes her hand in his and it's everything she didn't know she needed. The warmth of his skin, the fragile strength of his grip, the gentleness of his touch. It lasts longer than a few fleeting seconds, which speaks volumes when she knows how he feels about his hands. Does he know how much this means to her? Does he understand the lifeline he's giving her?
The metaphor is an appropriate one, of course, and an accurate one on multiple levels, but she still hates it. Describing what she'd done with the forest in burning it to the ground and then restoring it, it also fits with what she's experienced in her life again and again. With learning magic leading to her assault, with becoming a goddess leading to her present state — she's so tired of being burned in order to grow stronger. Can't she just be for a little while?
But he sounds so sure. So unwaveringly certain... ]
"We'll fix this too."
[ Julia quietly repeats the words like a far-off echo, her thoughts chasing after them as the sound dissipated into the air. We'll fix this. We. Once again, Stephen Strange is offering to help her, to change her life for the better. And after the weeks they'd spent together before, she has no doubt of how fiercely he'll try. It makes her want to cry but in relief instead of pain. Because this is what she needs. Even if it turns out to be a promise he can't keep, she needs that spark of hope to hold on to and he's the only one who can give it to her.
Sighing tiredly, she tilts her head to the side, leaning just enough to rest her temple against his shoulder. She doesn't let go of his hand and doesn't intend to until he makes that move. Holding Stephen Strange's hand is too rare a thing to not savor every second of it. ]
I've missed home.
[ Because the Sanctum is home now... and so is he. ]
[ And that, right there, surprises him. Because of course Stephen considers the Sanctum home by now — the penthouse had been like something out of an interior design magazine but it had been cold and impersonal, and then he'd sold it off for more liquid cash in the end — but he finds his heart twisting in his chest, a sharp warmth at the idea that this manor has, in this amount of time, done the same for Julia. Offered not just sanctuary and a place to land, not just a temporary spot to catch your breath, but an actual home.
It had helped piece him back together, and all he'd ever wanted was to pass on the favour. Pay it forward. ]
And it's missed you. It'll be nice having someone else around again to help me bully the novices.
I should show you Kamar-Taj someday, [ he muses after a second. Letting her tip her head against his shoulder, still clasping her hand. ] It's where I stayed for my training before eventually winding up here. It's beautiful. But as far as homes go, I do prefer this one.
[ He should probably let Julia rest and settle back in, but it's— nice, sitting here like this, feeling the warmth of her beside him, and so he's selfishly determined to savour it. Finally having the knowledge that she's back and safe and alive, albeit wrung-out. He hadn't been able to monitor her even from afar, so long as she was in other dimensions. ]
[ The list of places Julia considers home has narrowed down to one singular address: 177A Bleecker Street. Her childhood home was left behind long ago for numerous reasons. Her once-beloved city apartment will forever be tainted by the trickster's actions. And while she'd found sanctuary in the Physical Kids' cottage for so many months, Brakebills could never feel like anything else but the place that had rejected her.
The Sanctum Sanctorum has become the beating heart of hope for her, with its denizens serving as shining examples of the type of person she is striving to be. That she managed to find a friend like Stephen Strange within its walls... She'll forever be grateful to both him and the beautiful sanctuary he guards.
She's not bullying the novices, though. He's on his own with that one. (She will, however, probably still delight in his efforts.) ]
I'd love to see Kamar-Taj. I've heard some of the others talk about it and it sounds wonderful.
[ Leaning against him just a little more, she can feel exhaustion pulling at her, a heavy warmth settling into her limbs as her body comes down from the extended adrenaline high and finally accepts that it's safe here. She should probably sleep, she won't have much choice in the battle soon, but she isn't ready to be alone. If she could, she would stay with Stephen the whole night, just breathing the same air and drinking in his steady presence. ]
I don't have anything quite like that, but maybe one day I could show you Fillory. It's different from the books, and some parts of it are actually pretty fucked up, but some parts of it are beautiful too. [ A beat, then she adds with a smile: ] Plus, the air is 0.2% opium, so that's kind of fun.
Oh, yes please. [ He perks up in excitement, and finally lets his hands fall from hers and back into his lap. ] Not just because of the opium thing — although that sounds far more enjoyable than a dimension I experienced where you're made of paint — but because I've been curious in general. We know that the astral plane and the mirror realm and dream dimension spans the multiverse, but do you think Fillory does, too? Or is it more tethered to this particular universe, this particular plane? It sounds like its physical laws behave mostly like ours, with a few amendments, so I could see it being like an ancillary dimension rather than—
[ Stephen, evidently, has had his theories for a while. He realises he's getting carried away and about to disappear down a metaphorical rabbit hole, so he shakes his head, cuts himself off. Julia's already teetering, which is absolutely not the time for him to go on an academic tangent. ]
We can get into it another day. Instead...
[ He executes another twist of his hands, a gesture. (Despite his fingers' innate clumsiness, the spellwork which comes from them is still as quick and neat and precise as any Brakebills-trained magician — because, of course, the Ancient One and the armless Master Hamir had shown him that the literal accuracy didn't matter, and his splintered nerves didn't matter, and wouldn't be an impediment to his magic. It was the belief, it was the intent. In this way, the sorcerers' abilities are more forgiving than the Wellspring's magic.)
So. A fine bone china tea-set appears on the endtable beside Julia's bed: a teapot already filled with hot water and steeping with an infused brew, two empty cups on saucers. The aromatic smell is familiar from late nights at the Sanctum, when Stephen was actually trying to fall asleep for once instead of loading himself up with espresso: chamomile, spearmint, blackberry leaves, hawthorn. ]
It's basically Sleepytime tea, but I'm adding a magical infusion to help rebuild your strength. Just consider it a bolstering, or a tonic. It's good for the spirit.
[ Listening to Stephen's excitement over the prospect of visiting Fillory one day helps to soothe the loss of his hands around her own — not entirely, she immediately misses his touch with a fierceness that doesn't quite match the nature of their relationship, but it's close enough. And his theories about all things magical are always a good distraction from the less pleasant things in her life, so she absorbs them like they're rays of sunshine and she's a cat basking in their glow.
It doesn't last nearly long enough, but she knows they'll return to the subject another day.
She feels the barest brush of the magical shift in the room, her senses apparently not completely razed to the ground, and the soft fragrance of the tea is like wrapping up in a warm blanket after too long in the cold. Her fingers itch to wrap around a cup of it.
But first. With only a slight struggle, she sits upright again, her hands braced on either side of her on the bed. (She pointedly doesn't think about or acknowledge the way her fingertips brush against his outer thigh.) ]
Thank you, that sounds wonderful. I'm just going to— [ Standing is more difficult — she gets herself on her feet but then sways slightly on the heels that had been so easy to walk in as a goddess but were more than a little impractical as a weakened magician. ] Change. And get this makeup off first.
[ There's a spattering of glitter on the blanket from her touch, and he probably has a few flecks of it on his hands as well now. And she's sure the rest of her looks as awful as she feels. ]
[ It's a well-timed interlude, since the tea has to steep for five minutes anyway. Stephen doesn't bother to set a timer, since he has a good sense of the passing of the minutes; it turns out to have been one of the minor boons of stewarding the Time Stone for years. He's acutely aware how much time has passed.
While Julia heads out to the shared bathroom (it's a vintage thing: black-and-white tiles, clawfoot tub, pipes which clank inscrutably in the night), he tries to find ways to keep himself busy. He's restless, and not good at sitting and waiting without doing anything, even for small stretches of time; even as a kid, he'd always been multitasking and getting into everything. So he tries to sweep some of the glitter off the blanket; fails. Goes and opens the window to air out the room a little, since it's been ages since it was opened. Exchanges a look ("What?") with the Cloak of Levitation. And then settles onto the armchair in the corner, pours the cups of tea when they're ready, and starts busying himself with the incantation to add curative strengthening properties to the brew. ]
[ Finding her pajamas and heading down to the bathroom feels so utterly normal that it's both comforting and jarring. The months away from the Sanctum have been so complicated and emotionally taxing that normal almost seems wrong now. She has a hundred things she should be stressed about and trying to solve, but she's too tired to think about them tonight and that feels wrong too. Her friends are being rewritten by the Library and she can't do a damn thing to stop it; the only thing she can do is regain her strength and hope the process can be reversed somehow.
The sight that greets her in the bathroom mirror is not a pretty one. Her makeup is smeared to hell and her hair is a limp, tangled mess. Once she's washed her face, the dark smudges beneath her eyes stand out starkly against her too-pale skin and there's no denying the physical effect the day has had on her.
Getting out of the elaborate blouse and tight pants feels good, and putting on the loose pants and matching grey t-shirt feels even better. They're simple and soft, comfortable the way his chosen loungewear had been after the incident with the spider-demon. She wraps the shoes and everything else up in a bundle before heading back to her room, padding barefoot through the empty halls that feel welcoming instead of oppressive.
He's relocated, she notices when she walks in, and it makes her smile, just a slight upturn of the corners of her lips in reaction. The bundle of clothes, shoes, and accessories is dumped into the laundry hamper in the corner of the room without ceremony — she doesn't want to ever see any of it again but she doesn't have the strength to get rid of the items right now, so they will have to languish at the bottom of the basket for the time being.
With her hands free now, he'll have a full view of the transformation that's peeled back the sophisticated layers of protection she usually wears. Julia Wicker is just a woman now, not a powerful goddess or competent magician — a small woman who looks like a strong wind could knock her over. He'll also be able to see that her hedge tattoos are gone, along with the X-shaped scars through them. ]
[ When Stephen notices her arms, he realises he probably shouldn't make a big deal out of it — should probably just leave it be, unremarked upon — but, well, when has he ever left any stone unturned? So he's back to his feet again and taking a tentative step closer. He reaches out, presses his fingertips gently against the bare skin of her forearm. Perhaps assuaging his curiosity that it isn't just a visual illusion, and that the ridges themselves really are gone too. ]
Was that part of becoming a goddess? Scar tissue healing over?
[ He asks out of mild curiosity as if he's inquiring about side-effects; a symptom of divinity.
And now that he's standing so close, he realises even more suddenly how short Julia is, the top of her head just barely coming to his collarbone. His blue-green eyes blink in honest-to-god perplexity, taken aback. It's a small detail but such a jarring one; her confidence and competence (and aura itself) had always projected a much larger energy. The Ancient One could have told you that it had something to do with a person's spirit, too, but right now Stephen has another question: ]
Also, have you always been this short? Have I really only ever seen you in heels? Good god.
[ His fingertips against her skin provide warning for the questions that are ahead and she braces for them, her thoughts already tumbling toward another apology she owes him, another set of regrets for things she'll never be able to do now that her power is gone. But then the other questions come and the laugh that bursts out of her feels so damn good that she avoids being pulled into the pit of despair again.
For now, anyway. ]
People don't tend to take short women seriously, so I wear heels. [ By people, she means men. Obviously. ] And this was my choice. I was letting go of some of my pain.
[ It had been at Iris's direction, the messenger goddess who had taken Julia under her wing. You can put it down. Letting go of all her pain wasn't an easy thing and would take time, so she'd started small. Then there hadn't been time for anything else.
She lifts her arm, showing him there really isn't any trace of tattoos or scars, before that darkness wells up within her again and she has to give voice to her regrets. ]
I wanted to come back here. I'd planned to. I didn't know there wouldn't be time. [ Her voice is strained at the edges, pulled tight by emotion. ] I was going to offer to heal your hands the way I healed Fogg's eyes. I'm sorry I can't give you that choice now.
[ Because it would have been his choice. No matter how much she might want to help him, something of that magnitude had to be his decision. Always. ]
[ And congratulations, Doctor Stephen Strange is completely thrown and rendered speechless. That wasn't on his radar at all. He hadn't even considered it. Reflexively, he glances down at his hand; it's not shaking at the moment, but it's always something of a coinflip as to whenever those tremors appear. He has to haul his mind onto an entirely different tack to think about what she just said.
Because that door is always, always there. He could take it at any time. But he chooses not to. It sounds like Julia's divine abilities would've meant he could keep the hands and the sorcery, but—
Would he even have said yes?
Maybe. Maybe not. The point is moot, but it still nips at him now and he finds himself needing to think about it, re-examining the question from this unexpected angle. She can practically watch the quandary rippling through his furrowed brow, his thoughtful expression. Perhaps basic practicality and pragmatism would have meant accepting the offer. He could be an even better sorcerer.
But then again.
Each twinge of nerve pain is a reminder of his mistake and his hubris: his foot on the pedal and driving too fast and multi-tasking, until he drove himself right off that cliff. The pain was an anchor to his humility. Like wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it whenever you need a reminder of something: to break a thought loop, to stop biting your nails, to remember what a piece of shit you can be if you let yourself run unrestrained. His broken fingers are a constant reminder. It keeps him grounded.
So. Maybe not.
Stephen is quiet and the silence stretches out longer than comfortable, as he considers the question. He doesn't really have a conclusive, permanent answer, but he has ruminated over it enough over the years that he has some thoughts to offer. Late nights staring up at the ceiling of his room as his hands ache. And so he says, carefully, delicately, trying to puncture some of that strain in her voice: ]
Thank you, Julia. I mean that truly. The offer— it means a lot. The fact that it even occurred to you—
[ He really doesn't deserve the people around him, sometimes. Most of the time. ]
I didn't mention it before, but I actually have that choice every day. It's not that the Ancient One said it wasn't possible to heal myself with magic; she actually gave me the choice, at the end of my training. I could redirect all my focus and attention and use magic to repair my hands and keep them functioning, and I could have gone back to being a surgeon. But I chose not to. I chose to stay a sorcerer instead.
After so many years of living with it... I think I've just come to terms with it. Some things happen for a reason. Some things bring you to something greater. It doesn't hamper my magic use and I don't have any intentions of doing surgery again, so I think... I'm fine with it. If there was no trade-off, maybe I would have said yes anyway, because why not, but— I think I need the reminder.
And that's just to say, the healing isn't impossible even now. I choose this, every day. [ A flicker at the corner of his mouth, a glimpse of his usual sardonic expression breaking through the sincerity. ] So please don't beat yourself up over it too much.
[ It hurts to watch him process what she's said. The entire matter could have gone completely unmentioned and he never would have known it was even a possibility, but she couldn't do that. Julia had to say something and now she worries that she might have made things worse. He's done so much for her and she hates that she can't do more for him.
But apparently, he doesn't need her to fix his problem. He can do it himself if he ever wants to. And she understands the need for a reminder possibly more than anyone else ever could. She'll carry her own reminders with her for the rest of her life.
So she nods her acknowledgment and acceptance of his choices — and then she can't help herself. He's so close and she really did miss him so much, so she steps forward and slips her arms around his middle for a hug. Not a long one, probably, she knows things like this aren't his usual style. She just... really needs a hug. ]
[ Stephen really isn't accustomed to physical affection like this — that standoffish demeanour projects a figurative personal bubble about five feet in radius — but he's realising that he doesn't actually mind it that much once it happens. Julia wraps her arms around him, and he's caught all over again by how unexpectedly, uncharacteristically short she is. She's even smaller than America, which is bizarre to think about.
So he goes a little rigid at first, but then he eases into it and wraps his arms around her. His face buried in the top of her head, chin against her hair as they melt into that hug. It's a good height, and his arms loop around her shoulders. He doesn't say anything just yet; he's talked enough for the moment. ]
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ourladytrees) wrote2022-06-18 12:21 am
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[ And they're not just dependent on the cloak or the portals. Now that no one's bleeding or having their sense of self dribbling out through their ears, and it's safer to operate the spells (parameters, sometimes it does all come down to parameters, just like the magic she's used to), Stephen stands up and sets his hand on her shoulder. He doesn't need the physical contact, but it's mostly just to steady her. Because he concentrates, and then without even a visible gesture, it's like he tugs the universe just a few inches to the left —
The Sanctum simply rearranges itself around them in a small gust of displaced air, and instead of sitting on the edge of the library table, Julia's suddenly sitting on the soft edge of her bed instead. Familiar bedspread made and tucked in at the corners, the room a little musty from long inattention, but otherwise looking exactly as she left it (and still, as ever, those trees in the wallpaper). Stephen's standing beside her bed now, and his hand is still braced against her shoulder so she doesn't just wobble and fall over.
He'd been more brusque and inconsiderate when doing the same thing with the Asgardians' visit, like yanking the rug out from under Thor and just letting the god reel and trip over himself into bookcases and down the stairs — Stephen can be spiteful at times, it's a character flaw — but he tried to make the transition easier for Julia. It's a little disorienting, having the entire world simply shuffle itself around you and finding yourself in a new location between heartbeats. ]
There.
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She's not connected to anything anymore. Julia is a tiny speck on a rock floating in space once more, her ability to be more and do more torn away by her own hand. The universe had been at her fingertips and she'd given it up of her own free will. ]
Showoff.
[ She doesn't regret her decision — how could she? Even with the Library taking control of the Wellspring, magic is back in the world and the power imbalance isn't an impossible problem to solve. But there's still sadness in her voice where she intended gently jibing humor, and she can feel her throat tightening with emotion. ]
I'm sorry.
[ What is she apologizing for? Not being strong enough to take her fate without tears? Because there they are, blurring her vision and burning her skin as they slip down her cheeks. For placing her pain upon him again, the way she'd done months ago? Because she reaches up to grasp his hand on her shoulder, taking away his easy escape route in her silent request for his continued presence. Or is she apologizing to herself for all she could have been and now never will be?
It's probably all of the above. ]
I'm so sorry.
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Don't apologise.
[ Stephen doesn't even know what she's apologising for, but he delivers the command decisively anyway, granting her a direction. He takes a guess at what might lie behind her apologies, and manages to land on at least one of the reasons: ]
Truly, I've brought far worse things chasing my heels to this building's doorstep. Believe me. If you thought that spider-demon was a problem...
[ He's trying to cheer Julia up with that levity, that downplaying of the Library potentially nipping at her heels, but his voice softens and turns serious again a moment later. And he lets go of her hand, but he exchanges it for sinking to the mattress himself, perching on it beside her, shoulder-to-shoulder. ]
So... What happened? How did your quest go?
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She'll have to ask him for some of those stories later, maybe when she's headed toward another dive into self-pity and needs a good distraction. He can be pretty good at that when he puts his mind to it. ]
We did it. [ She looks at his knees beside hers, feeling too tired to turn to look at him properly. ] It took a while, and it didn't happen like we'd planned, but we did it. Magic's back.
[ Funny, she doesn't sound happy about it. Magic being back is a good thing, she'd done this because she'd believed that with her entire being, and yet... The darkest part of her has to wonder if it was worth the cost. ]
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So you succeeded? It was a victory?
[ But even as he says it, he immediately knows that there's something he doesn't know yet. Some wrinkle in the plan, some catch in how it played out. Be careful what you wish for, he thinks. He'd seen it over and over in his own life: success, but at what cost. ]
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[ Q's pain in the face of what Alice had done still reverberates through her, the memory ingrained in her soul. His anguish had called to her with such strength it had been impossible to ignore. Iris had told her to let go of her connections but that was the one thing Julia was incapable of doing. She sighs heavily and lifts a hand to wearily rub at her eyes. ]
The keys were destroyed by someone who thought she was doing the right thing, and the only way to remake them was with the power of a god.
[ There are specks of glitter on her fingertips as her hand falls to her lap and she realizes how ridiculous she must look. Like she'd gone somewhere in costume, a lowly hedge witch pretending at being a goddess. ]
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You didn't have another run-in with Our Lady of the Underground, did you? Or her— son?
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Yeah, actually, but not at the end. It was...
[ Where is she supposed to start? In all the months since she'd left, so much has happened, all of it messy and intertwined with the quest, a destiny she'd been heading toward ever since Jane Chatwin decided she would be the one thing altered in this timeline. By keeping her from Brakebills, everything changed. ]
The reason I could do magic was because OLU gave me his spark. She gave me the seed of his power to grow and I did. I saved fairies from slavery. I healed Dean Fogg's eyes. I restored the forest and grew crops for starving farmers.
[ It feels like an ax swinging through the air as she turns to look at Stephen, a sense of finality in the room that she can almost reach out and touch. Once she says it out loud, it will be undeniably real. ]
He's a shell now, living in a shitty apartment and delivering pizzas. He's powerless but he's still a god. I wonder if I'm like that now. If I'll have to live like this forever or—
[ Or if she'll die like everyone else. ]
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[ It's a very serious situation, he is trying to take this seriously, but Stephen Strange can't help that baffled lilt to his voice. Her description of her activities, which sounds very much like performing miracles and answering prayers. Still a god. Wonder if I'm like that now. Live like this.
He resists the urge to just dig into her aura again and go rifling for information, searching for that divine spark, when he can just be a normal person and ask her. ]
I mean, just for absolute crystal-clarity. To be sure we're using the same vocabulary here. You became a full-fledged goddess? You're a goddess now? An actual, real-life goddess?
[ He doesn't say anything about her appearance: the smeared mascara, the spilled glitter, the general look of Julia having stumbled into the Sanctum from an all-nighter masquerade party, rumpled and wrung-out and tired. But if she says it right-out, then he'll believe her. ]
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Yes. At least, I was. I don't know what I am now. [ She looks down at their knees again, the joy and excitement over being a goddess now long gone. ] They called me Our Lady of the Tree, which was very formal but... I was going to create new worlds. I was going to be better than the others, do what gods are supposed to and help people.
[ And she did. She did help people, and she's going to continue helping them. She's just... not sure how yet. ]
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But Stephen's smart, and he can connect the dots. The trailing gaps she hasn't said aloud but where the connotations and the implications still sit, weighty with significance. And he draws that straight line from A to B to C, around what Julia is both saying and isn't saying, and he inhales a breath. ]
You said it took all of Prometheus' divine power to create the keys, and that remaking them took the power of a god.
Did you pull a Prometheus?
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Yep. [ With a little pop on the p. ] I horcruxed myself to bring back magic. [ And there's a tiny hint of humor in there, though it's tinged with unshed tears. ] I had to. It was the only way.
[ Holding up her hands in front of her, she looks at her palms, her fingertips, and the bits of glitter on her left hand that represent the life she can no longer have. Her arms tremble slightly with the effort of holding them up, her body pushed nearly to its breaking point. She'll be okay, she knows she'll get through this, but how much more will it cost her? ]
I'm not connected to anything anymore.
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And that, suddenly, explains so much of what he'd seen in Julia's skull: that burned-out landscape, all the connections severed, the hot metal of the keys, the sense of seeing an empty hillside after a wildfire's passed through. Her magic scoured out of her, gone up in flames to power something greater than herself. What she sacrificed to accomplish bringing the Wellspring back for everyone else, no matter what it cost her— ]
Hey.
[ As Julia holds up her trembling hands (another thing he knows so well), Stephen reaches out and catches her left hand with that dusting of gold. He cups her palm between both of his, interlacing his own fingers through hers. Yet another echo and a mirror of what she'd done for him, what now feels like a lifetime ago; and for this moment he shoves all of his self-consciousness about his hands aside, the ugliness of those scars, the bent and crooked angles. Instead, he offers that solid touch, that physical connection. ]
Here. You're still connected here.
[ He considers just fishing his personal sling ring out of his pocket and dropping it into her palm, but she's so worn-out that the magic probably wouldn't work anyway and then the Learning Moment™ would wind up being even more disheartening. So, that'll be for another day. Instead, he fishes around for the right words. ]
Trees grow back after wildfires. And the fires are actually good for the environment— they clear out dead material, the decay, and it helps bring nutrients back to the soil faster. Some pine tree seeds need to be melted by fire in order to be released. [ Why does he know so much goddamn trivia about ecology? — right, his photographic memory, his mind like a steel trap. ] Okay, this has run away with me, you'll have to bear with my stupid extended metaphor, but: things grow back. Nerves can re-grow. You've just suffered some quite literal burnout. Give it time. We'll fix this too.
[ Sometimes Strange's arrogance and self-assurance — his innate assumption that he knows the answer — can be very irritating. Other times, that authority is reassuring; it's a solid foundation you could build a wall on.
He's hoping this time, it's more like the latter. ]
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The metaphor is an appropriate one, of course, and an accurate one on multiple levels, but she still hates it. Describing what she'd done with the forest in burning it to the ground and then restoring it, it also fits with what she's experienced in her life again and again. With learning magic leading to her assault, with becoming a goddess leading to her present state — she's so tired of being burned in order to grow stronger. Can't she just be for a little while?
But he sounds so sure. So unwaveringly certain... ]
"We'll fix this too."
[ Julia quietly repeats the words like a far-off echo, her thoughts chasing after them as the sound dissipated into the air. We'll fix this. We. Once again, Stephen Strange is offering to help her, to change her life for the better. And after the weeks they'd spent together before, she has no doubt of how fiercely he'll try. It makes her want to cry but in relief instead of pain. Because this is what she needs. Even if it turns out to be a promise he can't keep, she needs that spark of hope to hold on to and he's the only one who can give it to her.
Sighing tiredly, she tilts her head to the side, leaning just enough to rest her temple against his shoulder. She doesn't let go of his hand and doesn't intend to until he makes that move. Holding Stephen Strange's hand is too rare a thing to not savor every second of it. ]
I've missed home.
[ Because the Sanctum is home now... and so is he. ]
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It had helped piece him back together, and all he'd ever wanted was to pass on the favour. Pay it forward. ]
And it's missed you. It'll be nice having someone else around again to help me bully the novices.
I should show you Kamar-Taj someday, [ he muses after a second. Letting her tip her head against his shoulder, still clasping her hand. ] It's where I stayed for my training before eventually winding up here. It's beautiful. But as far as homes go, I do prefer this one.
[ He should probably let Julia rest and settle back in, but it's— nice, sitting here like this, feeling the warmth of her beside him, and so he's selfishly determined to savour it. Finally having the knowledge that she's back and safe and alive, albeit wrung-out. He hadn't been able to monitor her even from afar, so long as she was in other dimensions. ]
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The Sanctum Sanctorum has become the beating heart of hope for her, with its denizens serving as shining examples of the type of person she is striving to be. That she managed to find a friend like Stephen Strange within its walls... She'll forever be grateful to both him and the beautiful sanctuary he guards.
She's not bullying the novices, though. He's on his own with that one. (She will, however, probably still delight in his efforts.) ]
I'd love to see Kamar-Taj. I've heard some of the others talk about it and it sounds wonderful.
[ Leaning against him just a little more, she can feel exhaustion pulling at her, a heavy warmth settling into her limbs as her body comes down from the extended adrenaline high and finally accepts that it's safe here. She should probably sleep, she won't have much choice in the battle soon, but she isn't ready to be alone. If she could, she would stay with Stephen the whole night, just breathing the same air and drinking in his steady presence. ]
I don't have anything quite like that, but maybe one day I could show you Fillory. It's different from the books, and some parts of it are actually pretty fucked up, but some parts of it are beautiful too. [ A beat, then she adds with a smile: ] Plus, the air is 0.2% opium, so that's kind of fun.
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[ Stephen, evidently, has had his theories for a while. He realises he's getting carried away and about to disappear down a metaphorical rabbit hole, so he shakes his head, cuts himself off. Julia's already teetering, which is absolutely not the time for him to go on an academic tangent. ]
We can get into it another day. Instead...
[ He executes another twist of his hands, a gesture. (Despite his fingers' innate clumsiness, the spellwork which comes from them is still as quick and neat and precise as any Brakebills-trained magician — because, of course, the Ancient One and the armless Master Hamir had shown him that the literal accuracy didn't matter, and his splintered nerves didn't matter, and wouldn't be an impediment to his magic. It was the belief, it was the intent. In this way, the sorcerers' abilities are more forgiving than the Wellspring's magic.)
So. A fine bone china tea-set appears on the endtable beside Julia's bed: a teapot already filled with hot water and steeping with an infused brew, two empty cups on saucers. The aromatic smell is familiar from late nights at the Sanctum, when Stephen was actually trying to fall asleep for once instead of loading himself up with espresso: chamomile, spearmint, blackberry leaves, hawthorn. ]
It's basically Sleepytime tea, but I'm adding a magical infusion to help rebuild your strength. Just consider it a bolstering, or a tonic. It's good for the spirit.
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It doesn't last nearly long enough, but she knows they'll return to the subject another day.
She feels the barest brush of the magical shift in the room, her senses apparently not completely razed to the ground, and the soft fragrance of the tea is like wrapping up in a warm blanket after too long in the cold. Her fingers itch to wrap around a cup of it.
But first. With only a slight struggle, she sits upright again, her hands braced on either side of her on the bed. (She pointedly doesn't think about or acknowledge the way her fingertips brush against his outer thigh.) ]
Thank you, that sounds wonderful. I'm just going to— [ Standing is more difficult — she gets herself on her feet but then sways slightly on the heels that had been so easy to walk in as a goddess but were more than a little impractical as a weakened magician. ] Change. And get this makeup off first.
[ There's a spattering of glitter on the blanket from her touch, and he probably has a few flecks of it on his hands as well now. And she's sure the rest of her looks as awful as she feels. ]
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While Julia heads out to the shared bathroom (it's a vintage thing: black-and-white tiles, clawfoot tub, pipes which clank inscrutably in the night), he tries to find ways to keep himself busy. He's restless, and not good at sitting and waiting without doing anything, even for small stretches of time; even as a kid, he'd always been multitasking and getting into everything. So he tries to sweep some of the glitter off the blanket; fails. Goes and opens the window to air out the room a little, since it's been ages since it was opened. Exchanges a look ("What?") with the Cloak of Levitation. And then settles onto the armchair in the corner, pours the cups of tea when they're ready, and starts busying himself with the incantation to add curative strengthening properties to the brew. ]
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The sight that greets her in the bathroom mirror is not a pretty one. Her makeup is smeared to hell and her hair is a limp, tangled mess. Once she's washed her face, the dark smudges beneath her eyes stand out starkly against her too-pale skin and there's no denying the physical effect the day has had on her.
Getting out of the elaborate blouse and tight pants feels good, and putting on the loose pants and matching grey t-shirt feels even better. They're simple and soft, comfortable the way his chosen loungewear had been after the incident with the spider-demon. She wraps the shoes and everything else up in a bundle before heading back to her room, padding barefoot through the empty halls that feel welcoming instead of oppressive.
He's relocated, she notices when she walks in, and it makes her smile, just a slight upturn of the corners of her lips in reaction. The bundle of clothes, shoes, and accessories is dumped into the laundry hamper in the corner of the room without ceremony — she doesn't want to ever see any of it again but she doesn't have the strength to get rid of the items right now, so they will have to languish at the bottom of the basket for the time being.
With her hands free now, he'll have a full view of the transformation that's peeled back the sophisticated layers of protection she usually wears. Julia Wicker is just a woman now, not a powerful goddess or competent magician — a small woman who looks like a strong wind could knock her over. He'll also be able to see that her hedge tattoos are gone, along with the X-shaped scars through them. ]
The tea smells good.
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Was that part of becoming a goddess? Scar tissue healing over?
[ He asks out of mild curiosity as if he's inquiring about side-effects; a symptom of divinity.
And now that he's standing so close, he realises even more suddenly how short Julia is, the top of her head just barely coming to his collarbone. His blue-green eyes blink in honest-to-god perplexity, taken aback. It's a small detail but such a jarring one; her confidence and competence (and aura itself) had always projected a much larger energy. The Ancient One could have told you that it had something to do with a person's spirit, too, but right now Stephen has another question: ]
Also, have you always been this short? Have I really only ever seen you in heels? Good god.
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For now, anyway. ]
People don't tend to take short women seriously, so I wear heels. [ By people, she means men. Obviously. ] And this was my choice. I was letting go of some of my pain.
[ It had been at Iris's direction, the messenger goddess who had taken Julia under her wing. You can put it down. Letting go of all her pain wasn't an easy thing and would take time, so she'd started small. Then there hadn't been time for anything else.
She lifts her arm, showing him there really isn't any trace of tattoos or scars, before that darkness wells up within her again and she has to give voice to her regrets. ]
I wanted to come back here. I'd planned to. I didn't know there wouldn't be time. [ Her voice is strained at the edges, pulled tight by emotion. ] I was going to offer to heal your hands the way I healed Fogg's eyes. I'm sorry I can't give you that choice now.
[ Because it would have been his choice. No matter how much she might want to help him, something of that magnitude had to be his decision. Always. ]
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[ And congratulations, Doctor Stephen Strange is completely thrown and rendered speechless. That wasn't on his radar at all. He hadn't even considered it. Reflexively, he glances down at his hand; it's not shaking at the moment, but it's always something of a coinflip as to whenever those tremors appear. He has to haul his mind onto an entirely different tack to think about what she just said.
Because that door is always, always there. He could take it at any time. But he chooses not to. It sounds like Julia's divine abilities would've meant he could keep the hands and the sorcery, but—
Would he even have said yes?
Maybe. Maybe not. The point is moot, but it still nips at him now and he finds himself needing to think about it, re-examining the question from this unexpected angle. She can practically watch the quandary rippling through his furrowed brow, his thoughtful expression. Perhaps basic practicality and pragmatism would have meant accepting the offer. He could be an even better sorcerer.
But then again.
Each twinge of nerve pain is a reminder of his mistake and his hubris: his foot on the pedal and driving too fast and multi-tasking, until he drove himself right off that cliff. The pain was an anchor to his humility. Like wearing a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it whenever you need a reminder of something: to break a thought loop, to stop biting your nails, to remember what a piece of shit you can be if you let yourself run unrestrained. His broken fingers are a constant reminder. It keeps him grounded.
So. Maybe not.
Stephen is quiet and the silence stretches out longer than comfortable, as he considers the question. He doesn't really have a conclusive, permanent answer, but he has ruminated over it enough over the years that he has some thoughts to offer. Late nights staring up at the ceiling of his room as his hands ache. And so he says, carefully, delicately, trying to puncture some of that strain in her voice: ]
Thank you, Julia. I mean that truly. The offer— it means a lot. The fact that it even occurred to you—
[ He really doesn't deserve the people around him, sometimes. Most of the time. ]
I didn't mention it before, but I actually have that choice every day. It's not that the Ancient One said it wasn't possible to heal myself with magic; she actually gave me the choice, at the end of my training. I could redirect all my focus and attention and use magic to repair my hands and keep them functioning, and I could have gone back to being a surgeon. But I chose not to. I chose to stay a sorcerer instead.
After so many years of living with it... I think I've just come to terms with it. Some things happen for a reason. Some things bring you to something greater. It doesn't hamper my magic use and I don't have any intentions of doing surgery again, so I think... I'm fine with it. If there was no trade-off, maybe I would have said yes anyway, because why not, but— I think I need the reminder.
And that's just to say, the healing isn't impossible even now. I choose this, every day. [ A flicker at the corner of his mouth, a glimpse of his usual sardonic expression breaking through the sincerity. ] So please don't beat yourself up over it too much.
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But apparently, he doesn't need her to fix his problem. He can do it himself if he ever wants to. And she understands the need for a reminder possibly more than anyone else ever could. She'll carry her own reminders with her for the rest of her life.
So she nods her acknowledgment and acceptance of his choices — and then she can't help herself. He's so close and she really did miss him so much, so she steps forward and slips her arms around his middle for a hug. Not a long one, probably, she knows things like this aren't his usual style. She just... really needs a hug. ]
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So he goes a little rigid at first, but then he eases into it and wraps his arms around her. His face buried in the top of her head, chin against her hair as they melt into that hug. It's a good height, and his arms loop around her shoulders. He doesn't say anything just yet; he's talked enough for the moment. ]
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